Some people are addicted to drugs. Some people are addicted to alcohol. Some people are addicted to gambling. I am addicted to pain. I don't suggest my lifestyle be taken on by anyone. It is for the most part a rather destructive behaviour, although at times meditative and Cathartic. I write this Diary only with the intentions of helping others and helping myself. To let people know they are not alone in their pain.
I was a victim of abuse for pretty much my entire life. I tend to internalize my pain. Physical pain seems for me to be the only way to cope. The only way to bypass my emotional psychological pain. I crave pain no matter how I can come by it. Whether that be self inflicted or not. Razors, tattoo needles and common brawls have all been methods to getting my fix. Sometimes my pain addiction gets in the way of normal everyday life, but there are times I can make it be productive. (in my eyes anyways). Almost my entire body is covered with tattoos piercings or scarifications. While this may not be everyones cup of tea, Its mine. I find it makes me a walking talking piece of artwork. A living breathing masterpiece of self expression.
Recently I have gotten into Ritualistic suspension. I find this practice eases me greatly. While suspending a calm soothing tranquility washes over me. I feel at peace as my body and mind are at a disconnect. I partake of these rituals only under strict supervision and am only handled by professionals. I do not get to do them as often as I personally would like but when I do the feeling of peace of mind lasts for quite a long time.
In the coming months I plan to delve deeper into myself and lay it all out there for you all. I hope this maybe helps my internal wounds to heal so I can get past the tendancy to enjoy pain. I also warn that not all of my entries will be politically correct or even tollerable to all. This is my chance to really explore myself and I am not always attractive. Sometimes I can be downright disgusting. I hope at least a few of you can stick it out with me. I may not ever get past having some sort of pain in my life but I hope to at least stop my self destructive behaviour. Let the healing process begin!
Recently I have gotten into Ritualistic suspension. I find this practice eases me greatly. While suspending a calm soothing tranquility washes over me. I feel at peace as my body and mind are at a disconnect. I partake of these rituals only under strict supervision and am only handled by professionals. I do not get to do them as often as I personally would like but when I do the feeling of peace of mind lasts for quite a long time.
In the coming months I plan to delve deeper into myself and lay it all out there for you all. I hope this maybe helps my internal wounds to heal so I can get past the tendancy to enjoy pain. I also warn that not all of my entries will be politically correct or even tollerable to all. This is my chance to really explore myself and I am not always attractive. Sometimes I can be downright disgusting. I hope at least a few of you can stick it out with me. I may not ever get past having some sort of pain in my life but I hope to at least stop my self destructive behaviour. Let the healing process begin!
To protect my family my name will not be revealed. I hope our journey can help at least one person out there.
"Cut N Bleed" by Daedalean Complex. Used with permission.
Have you ever just cut yourself to see your own blood? I have. This is a nasty habit I am trying to rid myself of. I have found an outlet that helps other then my disceplined meditation and my health routine. It is an outlet I have used for a long time but recently it has become a more positive outlet. Music! Music is my life. I write lyrics and sing songs most people would call disturbing noise but it helps relieve my anger issues and my issues of self hatred. I also listen to copius amounts of music on a regular basis. I tend to drive people crazy with my lyrical obsessions. They go crazy but I feel sane. I know a lot of my readers out there may think I am just that. Insane, but I assure you other then my obvious issues I am a productive member of society. I hold a full time job with more then full time hours. I also tend to a part time job and am the frontman of a relatively unknown band. Basically I am one busy motherfucker. I am always on the go. I am always keeping busy. I find the more I do with myself the less pain I feel. The less pain I feel the less I hurt myself or find ways to get hurt. So its a win win situation. My wallet gets fatter and my scars fade.
Why am I saying this? What worth do these words even hold? Well my friends to all the pain fiends who have stumbled blindly upon my little blog journal or whatever else you want to call it, these words might bring hope. A guy can wish can't he? If you indeed suffer a similar destructive path as I do find yourself an outlet. Paint, sing, write, hell Dance naked in public for all I care! (ok maybe not the last one unless you have excess money to spend on fines.) Just find yourself other passions to pour your soul into. Jump in with both feet and hope for the best. Work through your angers frustrations and sadness' any possible way you can. Throw all that pent up energy into something productive. Create instead of destroy. It might not work out 100 percent of the time but it sure helps.
Why am I saying this? What worth do these words even hold? Well my friends to all the pain fiends who have stumbled blindly upon my little blog journal or whatever else you want to call it, these words might bring hope. A guy can wish can't he? If you indeed suffer a similar destructive path as I do find yourself an outlet. Paint, sing, write, hell Dance naked in public for all I care! (ok maybe not the last one unless you have excess money to spend on fines.) Just find yourself other passions to pour your soul into. Jump in with both feet and hope for the best. Work through your angers frustrations and sadness' any possible way you can. Throw all that pent up energy into something productive. Create instead of destroy. It might not work out 100 percent of the time but it sure helps.
Entry #2
Entry #3
The Anniversary of my brothers passing is approaching me fast. Way too fast. My life is all stress and no rest. I think I might have biten off moer then I can chew this time around. I wont give up, thats not my style but I am not doing so well on my path to change because of it. I guess the fact I am acknowledging that is at least one positive. The only way I have been coping is through pain. I have gotten into more fights then usual. I have gotten more scars and more ink. I have been doing my suspensions as often as I can afford. I feel like a have taken steps back on my path to healing. Not to sound like a completely gloomy doom guy. My friends and Family have been phenomenal in helping me cope. I will find my path again. That is my vow. Just right now I have lost my way a bit.